BEYOND WORDS

8:10 PM

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Hmm I don't think anyone reads this but maybe I like talking to myself, so there.

I kinda realised I don't like bumming around and having nothing to do! I just feel so listless/useless and lethargic once I have nothing on my to do list, and I love the sense of accomplishment I get when I complete something. I think it basically can be attributed to my innate sense of workaholism, if such a word exists in the dictionary.

Yeah, so I like having something to do, preferably something I like doing, and I mustn't feel pressurised/rushed into doing it.

I completed 7 pages of the econs revision package today, and planned what I have to do for the entire duration of the holidays cos I was feeling bored. Oh well! There's ALOT to do actually, when you think about it. My list is one and a half pages and some of the stuff on my list will take forever to complete. Such as this

Revise econs books 1A, 1B, 1C and 1D.

Woah, don't know how long that will actually take me?

On another note, I can't wait to meet up with my friends and catch up. Anddd I'm kinda glad I'm not going on too long a holiday, because the stuff I have to do, and complete for interact spans throughout the entire holidays, and a certain LCC keeps pressurising me to send this proposal and that proposal and what not, and it really does not help that EL is a REALLY HELPFUL /FREE assistant. I meant that sarcastically BTW.

Whatever, I'm going to handover all the stuff soon-ish, next year in April/May! Plus there will be less commitment- no accendo, no ballet, no extra stuff to plan for... so that will leave me with interact stuff and studying.

It scares me how time flies actually. At this point in time, fast forward a year and I'll be half done with my A Levels! That is, if I even manage to get started somehow... somehow.

Which set me thinking... I need to get back on track and put in more effort. I definately did not put in enough this year- not that I didn't want to, but I was caught up with too many commitments and it certaintly showed in my math grades.

Plus I need to stop wasting time on FACEBOOK. I think it might be a compulsive disorder! I don't even use it that much but like I keep looking at the home page and looking at the updates, like every hour or something. It is disturbing and I spend wayyy to much time at the computer, doing absolutely nothing productive most of the time.

Like my mum said, I'm like cooped up in my room most of the time, she doesn't even see me.

Okay.. don't know why I was ranting about all that for! I can't wait for Korea and HK, plus its soo exciting because we're leaving in 3 days! Ahhh can't wait to get out of sunny shitty (aliteration unintented) Singapore for better weather andto get a whole lot of baggage off my mind.

Tarrah! I'm gonna get some sleep :)

1:14 AM

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I never thought this day would come, just like how i thought the exams would never end. So OP is finally over. I guess what I'm feeling now is a mixture of emotions- relief, happiness, regret and maybe a tinge of sadness...

I may have slogged for so many nights doing PW, editing this and that, feeling exasperated over certain confusing root issues of the VT massacre, wasted so much time meeting up, travelling, formulating emails and messages etc, and sacrificed much sleeptime and study time in the process, but I guess it has been an experience I won't ever forget. As YK put it, I didn't even realise how integral PW has been in my life in the entire year. Lessons thrice a week and even more commitment on our part. It deserves so much more than a H1 classification! For all my blood and sweat at the very least.

What can I say... the subject itself was certaintly a torture, but I think I got to know the guys alot better, and I had fun having crap discussions with them, eating at the market (horror of horrors, dirty tables and seats!) after our PW sessions at HY's house, and possibly gaining a new perspective on life. It was kinda cool how it managed not to be awkward and all (mostly) even though it was 3 guys + me since SJ couldn't make it for most discusssions/meetups. The three of them can be so retarded! Looking back just makes me wanna laugh- YK's imitation of you know who, HY's retarded face, ZZ's spastic comments etc and basically the three of them being stupid together. Sigh, I will miss them.

Thankfully OP was pretty good today. I think all of us spoke well. If not for the fact that my section on Q and A was so disturbingly pathetic, I would have felt wayy more jubilant. Met shuwei, MJ and rach thereafter and sat down at Island cremery, talking about life and people and watching the time go by...

I waited so long for the guys to be done I wanted to die. But they were so sweet, and treated me to the $26 seoul garden buffet dinner, which I so did not max out because I wasn't really hungry in the first place. I felt really bad but they kept insisting on paying, and so I let them. Dinner was the usual kind of talking so much, most of it crap, barbequeing stuff, eating and of course, playing with the remenants... and they even said all the sweet stuff about the things I did for the group to me. It was sweet, really and I was quite touched haha.

Now that PW has come to a close, other things beckon and I have so much to settle before I fly off to Korea!! Go me.

9:07 PM

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

So, PW's on a roll and in the midst of all this crap, we got our result back today. Hmm I guess I am satisfied, since I wasn't expecting much anyway (well, wasn't REALLY expecting, but hoping at the very least). Pretty much mid Bs for everything except for Math, which was a 52(due to not revising enough, carelessness and of course, stupidity). I expected it to be bad, but like a C? Pfft plus the fact that sooo many people scored an A for the paper makes it worse. Ohwell, I have only myself to blame so I should learn to shutup.

I can't believe I still don't know if I'm making the right choice in doing an H3. I'm afraid I won't be able to cope, with interact taking up so much of my time and all. I hardly had time to study for the promos cos I was busy with all the administrative stuff. And the thing that also worries me is how I do okay for everything, but not exceptionally well = might not do well in H3, since that requires one to be exceptional. =\ Ohwell, I'll just take things as they come...

DWL is awesome :)

Dry run tomorrow.... and we'll see how things go.

9:30 PM

Monday, October 19, 2009

Okay, so life's a bore.

PW itself is a bore, just maybe not the company. It's kinda weird how I ended up talking so much to the guys after the commencement of PW. It's like entertainment for me haha. Pw always ends up with us talking about life, the class, religion (though I don't know why, prob cos ZZ likes to ask me what catholic beliefs encompass) and when all of us are in reverie, I spoil the mood and revert back to PW mode. Might miss this a little, when it finally ends on the 10th.

We didn't spend much time on PW today, but at least we managed to complete our second draft of the WR =) Lunch with YK and ZZ was not very nice food wise, but pretty interesting. We probably should have a post pw outing, without you know who of course!

I can't wait till I finally fly of to korea/hk! It's like hello boring singapore and shitty weather everyday now... and I'm so sick of perspiring like nobody's business.

9:47 PM

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I annoy myself sometimes.

Like how I keep all my secrets to myself. Nobody knows a hundred percent of what I am really like. I think so much about everything and anything, and actually do have an opinion on most but if I really think its personal, I wouldn't breathe a word. And sometimes you can't do all that because its so stifling.

I need to stop being negative- think I'm probably one of the most pessimistic people on earth. I need to get this out of my head because my head is hurting and I'm tired of thinking so much about stuff, and more stuff, and just life in general.

I'm listening to a german song now, it makes things better.

Results are only coming out on the 28th of October, like a whole 3 weeks after we finished our exams! I dont understand the whole logic behind going through the answers in class but not giving us back our scripts. Hello I do not have photographic memory and obviously am not able to recall what I wrote exactly- especially for stuff like math. It's just PLAIN ANNOYING.

I want my BBBBC. No A's this time cos I screwed up math. Ohwell I'm praying hard nothing goes too bad.

10:41 PM

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Hello there,

And so, we survived this!

I still remember the time Amrit and I were in the classroom and Amrit going "9 weeks Joan, there's only 9 more weeks!" and me feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread.

9 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 day. ONE DAY

Seriously, I have no idea how that came about. It just well, did.

Don't know how I actually survived either, since I was busying myself with this and that before the actual exams. Well, technically at least, because I wasted just as much time. They didn't go awesomely well, but it was okay. Except for math of course, which was bad + I was feeling tired and not concentrating + I didn't study hard enough.

Random thought during each exam. Lit for example. Interior monologue, if you so call it.

"Breathe Joan, breathe you can do this, dear god please help me think calmly and rationally amen"
(flips page open, reads poem A)
" sounds alright"
(reads poem B)
"maria? what maria! ohmygod ohmygod"
(hurriedly flips to the next 2 poems)
"what the hell does "it is like a cold egg" mean!!"
"oh no, I don't know what the rose stands for either! shit joan, you are so dead. sooooo dead."

and so I spent the next 10 minutes trying to figure out what the stupid "go rose" poem meant, gave up and went on to Wuthering heights.

Decided to just work on the first poem, instead of misintepreting the second one and risk failing. Worked out much better in the end.

Ahwell, but it's OVERRRRRRR and this calls for a celebration =D

FAME will the DWLs was awesomeeee fun, love you all!

1:28 AM

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Committments

Sometimes I just feel I'm not prioritizing my stuff quite right. It's just that everything always happens at the same time...

I know, I've let some poeple down. I feel so bad whenever I see so much effort being put in by certain individuals, and so little by me... I know it's not being fair to them and selfishness on my part.

But then again, its a vicious circle of letting people down and being let down. Undesirable, but inevitable all the same. Everybody knows too well the feeling of being let down, you do and I do.

Ich wunsche, dass die Träume werden wahr...

3 weeks till half of it ends, and the other half takes over.

I believe, I can do this. I WILL do this.

7:18 PM

Thursday, September 03, 2009

"You better go home and sleep" or so said Ms Oon to me today.

Bet she caught me nodding off in class again. It's worse during econs and IH believe me, just that Miss Low is much too nice to say anything, and Mr Lim prob didn't wanna wake me either.

Ohwell, I don't do it on purpose, its just that my eyelids get so so heavy, and I strive to keep them open, but I eventually lose the battle... after a minute or two. Yeah you get the drift.

Even Joshua, who always says I am flying high, said he was worried for me cos I was lagging behind.

It's what, 3 freakin' weeks to promos and I have not revised. Vor 3 Woche muss ich viele Test schreiben. Verdammnt, shitze, whatever.

I need to get some motivation and get back on track. Stop sleeping, wake up, buck up.

No more S for econs.

12:19 AM

Sunday, August 30, 2009

And so, I am finally seventeen.

Nothing's changed, really. I don't know what the additional number added to my age actually does.

Thanks DWL for the birthday surprise, the card and the well wishes on Friday. Your tribal dance was AWESOME and I owe you all a big thank you for everything fun that happened this year too. I can't imagine what life would be like without you. PE would be PE without us perpectually losing, breaks wouldnt be breaks without cara's tofu, tehping, prawn mee, jap food and chicken cutlet.

And thank you all those who remembered. It's really nice knowing you cared =)

<3
Joan

9:07 AM

Saturday, August 22, 2009

So...

It's been a while hasn't it?

Three weeks, to be exact, when I ranted about going through the motions of life. And I just went through three more weeks of life as it is.

This is it- It's down to 5 more weeks and I need to find time, I need to find motivation and drive. 5 weeks is so little time, considering that we have school and all our other committments. I need to improve my econs, get my A for history although it is seemingly impossible since the 69 was partially attributed to luck, and sorta maintain for the rest, even though they are Bs and a solitary A. BUT, I shouldn't ask for too much. It only brings greater disappointment when you aim for goals that are too unrealistic, too far fetched. I was expecting the worst for common test, and for every paper I sat for each time I sat in the examination room. I felt so unprepared, so clueless. But I guess the okay results came as abit of a positive surprise, except for econs that is.

Meanwhile, pictures of the german people in singapore. Ahh I miss them so much. Singapore has a severe lack of decent looking guys. It's like digging for a piece of gold on the Singapore shores- yeah you get it, non existent. Maybe not that extreme, but you get the drift!

Alrighty, I'm off to do PW shizz and the like. School as you know it. Maybe I'll catch you in another three weeks or so, we'll see.